My Muddled Thoughts

Sorry folks, them's the chips.  I've officially moved and love wordpress more than I ever really thought I would.  Its mostly the complete ability to customize that I've found so appealing. 

So... if you're trying to figure out if you want to move or not, do it.  Make the move.  Vox is a good step stool, but I've grown.  I'll continue to drop in and leave comments, but I will no longer update. 

I leave ya'lls with some parting pictures. 

... and I'm sorry.  I feel guilty since I was here at Vox since it's inception, but the lack of customization and ability to do what I want to has driven me to wordpress.  I dont think I'd be able to keep up with cross posting, but I'll try for a bit.  I'll be here from now on. 

Now, dont take this as me throwing all my friends by the wayside.  I really do love reading about your lives.  I'll add you all to my reader and keep popping in to keep apraised.  I hope you follow me, but I understand that things happen.

Thanks folks. 

 

Peter "Douche" Lalich is going to OSU.  Fine.  Shoo.  Boo fucking hoo. 

My full write up on this asshat in the coming days.  I need to think it over. 

About half an hour after my last post, I made my way to the bedroom to lie down.  Immediately, I began to feel a throbbing pressure coming from my right hip/pelvic area.  It was only getting worse, so I woke M up and told him what I was feeling.  The cramps were severe and I decided to go take a bath to see if the hot water helped any.  It did, and my cramps subsided, but that pressure was still building in my right side.  I got out of the tub and tried to go back to sleep, but the pain was overwhelming.  At 4am I finally gave in and let M take me to the hospital. 

Once there, the fine folks at Reston Hospital Center poked, prodded, tested, scanned, and gave me a generous helping of Demerol since, at this point, I was ready to claw at my hip and tear open my skin to alleviate the pain.  The sonogram results came back with a 7 inch cyst on my right ovary.  Ow.

The doctor admitted me for observation and possible surgery.  My GYN arrived in the morning to asses the damage and decided that I should stay for a day, if anything to give me more pain meds.  At 9:30pm she called my room to say that she was ready to order surgery to either a) pop the stupid thing or b) remove the cyst and part of my damn ovary along with it.  My surgery was supposed to be at 11am this morning, but she ordered another sonogram to see if anything had happened with it over the night.  Turns out, the thing has shrunk to 5 inches.  She took this as a good sign and cancelled the surgery.  I'm now home with some Demerol pills and orders to bedrest for the week.  If it starts being ridiciulously painful again, I have a free pass to come on back and get it taken out.  Otherwise, it should continue to shrink and do its thing.

This, as it turns out, is the reason why I haven't bled.  Funnnn.  As soon as its gone, my progesterone should be back at its normal level, and I should be cleared to bleed. 

M was an absolute sweetheart, and took my photos down to Richmond to turn in for the state fair.  We were supposed to go yesterday, but my hospital visit made that impossible.  With impending surgery, the only thing I was worried about was my photos.  M did an incredible thing for me today, and I know how much he wanted to be with me... but in the end, it was a good call, since I didnt get sliced open.  He's still worried about me, but I'm pretty sure that the worst is over.

As for my stupid reproductive organs which so far this year have let me down like nothing else in the world?  This whole experience has served to remind me just how strong my resolve is... and I'll be damned if I'm going to be left without a child.  I could have lost an ovary today.  I could have lost 50% of my chances to ever have a child.  Next month?  Thank god our bedroom wall doesnt connect to another apartment.  :) 

It just dawned upon me... as I sit here in the dark because I canna sleep... that its been 1 year since M and I started trying to have a baby.  1 fucking year.  And what do we have to show for it?  A picture of a bubble and my acne scarred face. 

Somehow, I always knew that this would be an uphill battle for me.  I always knew, inherently, that I wouldnt be able to have children.  Well... 1 year and here we are.  And its not for lack of trying.  Oh no.  Its not even for lack of success.  I know stories of folks who have spent fortunes trying to make it work.  Years and years, and they have nothing but debt and sorrow to show for it as well.  There are the good stories and there are the bad stories. 

I said, when this all started, that I would never be one of those people to pour so much money into something thats not a guarentee.  Its fine for some, but I cant do that.  This past month I tried to put on an air that I didnt care.  That I'd given up and stopped.  I convinced myself that it didnt matter to me.  But here I am... in limbo because I'm 8 days late and every single test has concluded that I am simply broken.  Ironic how that worked out, huh?

I see myself getting bitter.  I see stories of stupid girls getting knocked up who dont deserve the absolute joy of holding their own baby.  I see people bringing home baskets of happiness and pictures of bellies.  All around me it seems as though the entirety of the world is laughing at their good fortune, and I'm here crying at my bad. 

Sure, tell me that I got pregnant once already.  Tell me that it can happen again.  Why cant I just tell someone, "I would like to care for a baby please... and raise a child" and I get one.  Adoption costs so much.  It takes years and even then... if you're not the perfect paradigm of glory, you will be rejected.  I'm not saying all hope is lost.  I'm saying that for me, the outlook is tremendously bleek.  I realize I'm 24 and still have 12 more years of good baby making stock left in me before I'm totally up shit's creek.  But the odds are bad that I'm at my age and cant get knocked up.  And I'm emotionally battered.  And I dont feel like I have the strength to carry on. 

Any idiot girl can get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  Were that I was 16 again... and stupid.  That seems to be the trick.  That seems to be the magic formula.  If I'm stupid and dont want the thing, then I get pregnant!  Its easy!

I'm sorry that I'm ranting and incoherent.  Its 2am.  I cant bleed to save my life and theres nothing out there in the online medical world except, "It happens" to cheer me up.  Women deserve better than, "It happens".  I want a fucking full on explanation.  But none of us will be given one.

Hopefully tonight's shitfit crying fest is an indication that a good bloody mess is on the way.  I doubt it, though. 

When M is in class, I go a roamin'.

When I needed to get mah prints down for the Va State Fair... I had no clue who to go to.  I thought, CVS?  They print pictures.  But then my husband mentioned the Ritz Camera place.  I figured, sure.  Why not?  Well... lemme tell you something.  Those people are amazingly sweet and kind and thoughtful.  It might just be mine, but the staff are uber nice.  I will go back for all of mah printing needs. 

So anywhoo... I needed to have these matted before turning them in, with a white mat... 1 1/2" minimum.  I thought I was gonna have to pay alot for this.  I used to know how to make mat frames when I was in high school... but I now lack the materials, the math (I could figure it out but I'm just too damn lazy), and the patience to deal with creating matting again.  I headed over to the Michaels to find out how much it was gonna cost me and lo and behold!  Pre cut mats!  Wow!  The best part?  They were cheap cheap cheap!  I got my 5 8X10s and 5 5X7s and off I went.

Yesterday I put them all together.  I havent put the assigned tags on the pictures yet because I dont want to put them on the wrong place and have to be disqualified.  I've been following the instructions to the letter.  Its kinda hard for me since I like to be all, "AHHHHHHH!  FUCK YOU INSTRUCTIONS!".  But in the end, everything came out beautifully.  The dude at the Ritz said, "Wow, you've got skillz!" (I added the Z)  The 8X10s were stunning.  I'd never thought my stuff could be blown up like that before.  Its pretty amazing to see a picture that you took being made to look all professional and stuff!

I know ya'lls are wondering about my pie.  Wow, that sounded dirty.  My pie, cherry in fact, will commence baking either tonight or tomorrow.  I have all of my impliments of destruction.  I have premade crust (the rolled up kind) and the crust from a box.  I also have tons of flour.  As we all know, the filling can be amazing, but the crust can be the crux of the whole operation... so I have to make sure mah crust is to die for.  Warm and flaky and whatnot.  If anyone has any secrets they dont mind lending me, that would be super.  But I'll be scouring the internet for shortcuts that provide results. 

What, in the name of all that is holy, is this!?

Nothing in this article says WHY this man is being let go... it just says that the fucking court vacated his conviction.  There was a fucking eyewitness to the goddamn murder, and HE IS BEING LET GO!?

Remind me again why I am working towards the greater good of this country... please.  Someone remind me.  Because this is sickening.