One Year...

It just dawned upon me... as I sit here in the dark because I canna sleep... that its been 1 year since M and I started trying to have a baby.  1 fucking year.  And what do we have to show for it?  A picture of a bubble and my acne scarred face. 

Somehow, I always knew that this would be an uphill battle for me.  I always knew, inherently, that I wouldnt be able to have children.  Well... 1 year and here we are.  And its not for lack of trying.  Oh no.  Its not even for lack of success.  I know stories of folks who have spent fortunes trying to make it work.  Years and years, and they have nothing but debt and sorrow to show for it as well.  There are the good stories and there are the bad stories. 

I said, when this all started, that I would never be one of those people to pour so much money into something thats not a guarentee.  Its fine for some, but I cant do that.  This past month I tried to put on an air that I didnt care.  That I'd given up and stopped.  I convinced myself that it didnt matter to me.  But here I am... in limbo because I'm 8 days late and every single test has concluded that I am simply broken.  Ironic how that worked out, huh?

I see myself getting bitter.  I see stories of stupid girls getting knocked up who dont deserve the absolute joy of holding their own baby.  I see people bringing home baskets of happiness and pictures of bellies.  All around me it seems as though the entirety of the world is laughing at their good fortune, and I'm here crying at my bad. 

Sure, tell me that I got pregnant once already.  Tell me that it can happen again.  Why cant I just tell someone, "I would like to care for a baby please... and raise a child" and I get one.  Adoption costs so much.  It takes years and even then... if you're not the perfect paradigm of glory, you will be rejected.  I'm not saying all hope is lost.  I'm saying that for me, the outlook is tremendously bleek.  I realize I'm 24 and still have 12 more years of good baby making stock left in me before I'm totally up shit's creek.  But the odds are bad that I'm at my age and cant get knocked up.  And I'm emotionally battered.  And I dont feel like I have the strength to carry on. 

Any idiot girl can get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  Were that I was 16 again... and stupid.  That seems to be the trick.  That seems to be the magic formula.  If I'm stupid and dont want the thing, then I get pregnant!  Its easy!

I'm sorry that I'm ranting and incoherent.  Its 2am.  I cant bleed to save my life and theres nothing out there in the online medical world except, "It happens" to cheer me up.  Women deserve better than, "It happens".  I want a fucking full on explanation.  But none of us will be given one.

Hopefully tonight's shitfit crying fest is an indication that a good bloody mess is on the way.  I doubt it, though.