5 posts tagged “infertility”

Aaaand my insurance requires pre-auth for Endometrin.  Wow.  Way to fuck me dudes.  I ovulate tomorrow.  I need this Monday. 

Its just incredible how much we, as women, get fucked.  I thought this whole crappy thing was behind me, but no.  Now I have to have my prescription insurance poking into my naughty bits and questioning why exactly I need this.  And of course, I'm of the impression that since I'm technically not infertile (according to Aetna), that now I wont get the authorization for this med. 

Why, exactly, is there preauthorization needed for a hormone supplement?  Why? 

Yet another month wasted.  Incredibly wasted.  Entirely wasted. 

Not a single person in the world can tell me that my fears of 6 years ago were misguided.  No one.  I always knew. 

I'm back feeling like crap.  It was a beautiful week, and a beautiful vacation, and I was finally feeling like myself again.  And now I'm back to feeling useless.  Back to feeling like I'm fighting a futile war. 

 Update 6/3/08 @ 12:39pm:  Medco left me an automated message saying that I am authorized for the next year-ish!  WOOT!  Lets hope it doesnt take that long.  Or rather, that last night's festivities did something. 

I lack progesterone.  That is all. 

No seriously... the only thing that was abnormal on my 110 point inspection was my progesterone.  I got a script for some ewwy gooies and that should do it!  More on this tomorrow, but I feel a little guilty that thats my only issue.  So many people with so much worse issues than I, and I still bitched. 

Ol well... I'm happy.  Especially so for Twinge over there.  Say Hi Twinge!!

For those of you not in tune with the "E. Records", this was said when one of the employees told Mark that his music caused sterility.  Of course, I dont want to be sterile... but the name fits with today's issues.

In about 8 and a half hours time I will be back in the doctor's office, going over all of my test results and we might find out then why I tend to kill babies while still in my womb.  I realize that this phrase has perturbed some of you, but thats what it is, and thats how I see it.  Its not so much a snipe at myself or my anatomical inability to protect a bundle of cells, but the quick and dirty truth.  I dont like flowing up a giant piece of shit.

So, we'll go and find out the details, and shortly thereafter I will be updating to let ya'lls know.  In the past few weeks since this crap has happened I've found alot of strength and power from ya'lls.  Its been nice to opine and bitch and know that you ladies knew the pain.  

I'm hoping for something along the lines of, "You clot too much, here's a pill."  But I know thats asking for a miracle.  So I'll take what I can get.  Which might not be anything at all.  And I'm fully prepared for nothing at all.  I've mentally prepared myself, as you guys know, for, "We dunno why you killed that baby.  We cant see a reason why you'll do it again, but with the odds in today's society... have fun with that."  I'm ready for that.  And ya know... I just want this whole nightmare to end.  And I am of the firm belief that as soon as I walk out of that office, the whole miscarriage saga can finally come to a close.  And I can get back to myself.  What a joy that would be.  I literally feel like in 8 hours and 20 minutes I will have the biggest weight off of my shoulders.  

That moment will feel wonderful.   

The title of today's entry brought to you by my glorious husband...

Lots of things on my mind as we start out little foray this morning, but first and formost, these crazy fucks.  I'm reminded of this one proverb that I heard on The West Wing, and I cant find it so bear with me as I try to retell it from memory.

A man sits at home and hears a news report that a hurricane is coming, and that people were being asked to evacuate the area.  He prays to God, and stays in his home, believing that he will be ok and that God will save him.  The hurricane is bearing down on him, and the police start coming door to door, to help folks get to safety.  The man tells the police that he will stay where he is, that God will save him.  After the hurricane passes, the area begins to flood.  Rescue workers with a boat come by and try to take the man to safety and he tells them to keep on going, that God will save him.  The man eventually dies; a mixture of exposure, hypothermia and dehydration.  When he meets God in heaven he asks, "Why didnt you save me?  I've always been loyal and devout!"  God replies, "I sent you a news report, a police man, and a boat." 

Anyhoodle... you get what I'm trying to say.  These people had 4 weeks to get the poor girl to a doctor.  They were sent friends and family to try to persuade them to save the girl, and in the end, she died.  Nice job.  I'm glad that the police are pressing charges, and I hope that this serves as a lesson for the next group of idiots. 

Today I get my uterus filled to the brim with salt water.  Fun shit, right?  I'm not looking forward to it.  I'm sure it will be embarresing, uncomfortable, and useless.  What if they find something, you ask?  Well, for shits and giggles lets go down that road.  I'll play that game.  Say my uterus is bisected.  What the hell can we do about it?  Say my uterus has jagged edges.  What the hell can we do about it?  Say my uterus is all misshaped and odd.  What the hell can we do about it?  We already know that I can get pregnant.  So the issue of any lining problems is out the window.  So what does that leave us?  Giant odd misshaped polyps and fibriods... both of which involve some serious surgery and the potiential for further problems due to scar tissue.  So if you see it from my perspective, this is a stupid stupid procedure.  But, seeing as how I have no control of what tests are done to me anymore, I'll play the game.  Also, I'm still going on the "You've probably just had back luck" prognosis that the doctor told us the first day.  I mean seriously, ffs... is the inflating of my damned hoochie really necessary?  

I am fully preparing for all of this testing to go down, and karyotypes investigated and discussed and for it all to just end up being: "Yeah... we dunno."  Which would totally blow. 

I'm not usually this pessimistic about things. If there is a problem, I am generally the first to be proactive and say, "Hey!  Lets fix this shit!"  But not so much with this infertility crap.  Oh, by the way... you'll love this cute little factoid!  My insurance doesn believe that multiple miscarriages is interfility at all.  Oh no.  You've gotten pregnant... therefore, by definition, you are fertile.  Cute.  So, I have that stigma gone.  However... I still have been pregnant twice with nothing to show for it.  Thats kind of a downer.  On top of that, its my belief that even today's medical OB/GYN community has no goddamned clue what they're doing.  Everyone does something different.  What one book says you should do, one doctor will tell you that it wont matter.  What one doctor tells you, another will tell you something else.  The range of "normal" anything is from 0 to 10,000,000.  This doesnt help.  And I am sick of all that, "Every woman is different" crap.  If someone had told me, when I got out of the hospital the first time, that I should not go to work then I totally wouldnt have.  Every book i'd read said that.  But the doctor looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Yeah, you'll be fine!"  So... take a day off of work when I should be racking up leave?  Or go to work since the doctor said everything was ok?  What would you have done?

I'm honestly sick and tired of bitching about this.  I am also sick and tired of being preoccupied with all things infertility.  I am (and oh, I'm gonna milk this) not infertile.  So why all of the fucking tests for women who cannot conceive?  I can conceive.  Pretty well, apparently.  I just end up killing them.  Lets test for that fun shit.  Leave my uterus alone.  Didja hear me?  Leave my uterus alone!

After some pressuring from both M and Meta I have an appointment here for Friday.  I'm gettin a facial as well as my eyebrows done and an aromatherapy massage.  I also wanted a pedicure, but thats not something they do there.  This place is down in Old Town, so of course, no parking.  But its on Friday when M has his class and after it we'll hang out. 

Went to see the doctor today.  Bascially she thinks I just have bad luck and its nothing serious.  But to err on the side of caution, I'm, of course, being tested for

every

single

problem

in

the

book.

Today they took some blood for a genetic makeup of me and my husband, as well as some blood to see if all he HGC is all out of my body.  If so, I'll come back later this week to give s'more.  And after that, once I get my period I get some salt water injected into my hoochie and given an ultrasound.  Sounds fun.

Anyway, all of that should tell us something.  And after its all done, we go back to talk to her, decompress witih the info, and then get right back to tryin again.  Hopefully by the end of May and our vacation we'll be able to start again and do so during our relax session.  Anyway, that was today. 

Still not entirely happy.