10 posts tagged “miscarriage”

So today when I ran by the doctor's office for the beta (more on that in a second) the receptionist pointed to an envelope in my chart and asked if I wanted it.  I'd noticed that envelope the day I went back to the doctor's office after the bloody mess that was my miscarriage.  I hadnt picked it up; I figured I'd get it eventually.  Then I forgot about it.  Two days ago we were driving by the office and I remembered about it.  Well, I figured, must not have been that important.  Whats inside the envelope, I know you're dying to know.

Sonogram pictures of Peanut 1

Akiaa, the receptionist, asked if I wanted them yet.  No, I said.  Just hold on to them for a bit longer. 

I havent cried about Peanut in a while.  I know that Peanut isnt gone.  In my mind, Peanut is an essence.  The body just wasnt right, so Peanut is gonna chill for a bit longer until the right body comes along.  Its the easiest way I can deal with it.  Its the only thing that I find hope in regarding that whole situation.  I didnt lose my baby.  Not entirely. 

Anyway... enough saddness.  They took my blood.  The doctor (and nurses) told me that I was waaay early to be going this route, but if I really really wanted to know... and all that fun stuff.  Well, ladies, I'm not testing + and I need to know so I dont waste this pretty expensive endometrin stuff.  So, I got s'more, as the nurse told me, and its already up there doing its thing.  I get to call in tomorrow after 2 and find out.  So thats what I'll do.  Here's to the next 21 hours of hell.  ;)    

...

I'm not pregnant anymore.

Nothing better going into an interview than feeling like you're about to start bawling.  Of course, I only have myself to blame.  I shouldnt have said anything.  Next time I wont.  Except to you guys, of course. 

Wow... awkward. 

Aaaand my insurance requires pre-auth for Endometrin.  Wow.  Way to fuck me dudes.  I ovulate tomorrow.  I need this Monday. 

Its just incredible how much we, as women, get fucked.  I thought this whole crappy thing was behind me, but no.  Now I have to have my prescription insurance poking into my naughty bits and questioning why exactly I need this.  And of course, I'm of the impression that since I'm technically not infertile (according to Aetna), that now I wont get the authorization for this med. 

Why, exactly, is there preauthorization needed for a hormone supplement?  Why? 

Yet another month wasted.  Incredibly wasted.  Entirely wasted. 

Not a single person in the world can tell me that my fears of 6 years ago were misguided.  No one.  I always knew. 

I'm back feeling like crap.  It was a beautiful week, and a beautiful vacation, and I was finally feeling like myself again.  And now I'm back to feeling useless.  Back to feeling like I'm fighting a futile war. 

 Update 6/3/08 @ 12:39pm:  Medco left me an automated message saying that I am authorized for the next year-ish!  WOOT!  Lets hope it doesnt take that long.  Or rather, that last night's festivities did something. 

I lack progesterone.  That is all. 

No seriously... the only thing that was abnormal on my 110 point inspection was my progesterone.  I got a script for some ewwy gooies and that should do it!  More on this tomorrow, but I feel a little guilty that thats my only issue.  So many people with so much worse issues than I, and I still bitched. 

Ol well... I'm happy.  Especially so for Twinge over there.  Say Hi Twinge!!

For those of you not in tune with the "E. Records", this was said when one of the employees told Mark that his music caused sterility.  Of course, I dont want to be sterile... but the name fits with today's issues.

In about 8 and a half hours time I will be back in the doctor's office, going over all of my test results and we might find out then why I tend to kill babies while still in my womb.  I realize that this phrase has perturbed some of you, but thats what it is, and thats how I see it.  Its not so much a snipe at myself or my anatomical inability to protect a bundle of cells, but the quick and dirty truth.  I dont like flowing up a giant piece of shit.

So, we'll go and find out the details, and shortly thereafter I will be updating to let ya'lls know.  In the past few weeks since this crap has happened I've found alot of strength and power from ya'lls.  Its been nice to opine and bitch and know that you ladies knew the pain.  

I'm hoping for something along the lines of, "You clot too much, here's a pill."  But I know thats asking for a miracle.  So I'll take what I can get.  Which might not be anything at all.  And I'm fully prepared for nothing at all.  I've mentally prepared myself, as you guys know, for, "We dunno why you killed that baby.  We cant see a reason why you'll do it again, but with the odds in today's society... have fun with that."  I'm ready for that.  And ya know... I just want this whole nightmare to end.  And I am of the firm belief that as soon as I walk out of that office, the whole miscarriage saga can finally come to a close.  And I can get back to myself.  What a joy that would be.  I literally feel like in 8 hours and 20 minutes I will have the biggest weight off of my shoulders.  

That moment will feel wonderful.   

Molly Clark-Barol, a Yale student and commenter on the YDH's website, sums up Shvarts's egocentrism better than I could: "Congratulations, Aliza Shvarts '08: you have single-handedly trivialized not only an entire generation and a half's fight to gain and retain the right to choose, through harassment and against massive odds, but also history of women's struggles, not only politically, but with the emotional, moral, and spiritual impacts of the choice to terminate a pregnancy. You also spit upon every couple who has tried, and failed, sometimes repeatedly, to have children. it is the emotional impact of these struggles, emotional impact that you shamelessly exploit, not explore, in your senior project."

See here

WTF.  Just seriously.  WTF. 

Oh man... Im so depressed.

Monday I have that doctor to go to, and I was fine up till yesterday when the office called and said that my insurance makes me register with the Aetna infertility hotline.

What a horrible horible thing to make women do. I called, though... And was told that my company partnership waived it... So no biggie. Just show up with the referal. But it got me so fucked up for the rest of the day. I feel like a failure. I feel like I shouldn’t have ever needed this. I feel like this is a giant insult to me. It is a huge insult. Its like I'm this defective horrible watch that cant keep time. What do you do with watches like those? You throw them out.

I'm terrified that they're gonna say they cant help me... Or worse... That they poke and prod, prod and poke... For MONTHS or even years, and after all that money and all that time and all that stress... We find out that I just suck. And theres no reason for it.

Ever since I was a little kid... I had this feeling that even if I wanted to have a baby, that I never could. I don’t know why... But I carried that through me every step of my life. I just instinctively knew. I just KNOW. So therein is a problem... Because if I just say no altogether of any future pregnancies... I'm kinda dooming myself to my own self-fulfilling prophesy. But if I keep going, and find out its still true, then I realize my worst nightmare.

I'm just so sad. And I left my anxiety medication at home... So I have another 6 or so hours until I get it back in my body.

M keeps pesstering me to explain my feelings to him, but I cant. Why the hell should i? Its not like he will EVER understand what I am going thruogh. And I don’t wont to give my fears the dignity of speaking about them. He says that I'm not working on our marriage... But I don’t fucking care right now. I care about myself. I need to deal with myself, not him. I keep telling him that I don’t want to talk about it... But then he keeps poking and prodding and oh my god I really am about to tell him to pack up his shit and leave.

Why cant he get that HE IS THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD I WANT TO TALK TO ABOUT MY FUCKING INABILITY TO CARRY A FUCKING CHILD?!

He seems to be getting the picture lately, and hopefully will just take my depression in stride  Its nothing about him.  Its nothing against him.  I love him dearly.  I love that I can snugle up into his wonderful arms when it just gets way too much.  And I love how if I try to push him away eh hugs me anyway because he knows that thats exactly what I need.

Yesterday he asked if I still wanted this marriage.  Why the hell wouldnt I?  The question made me mad.  He loves to create overarching statements that try to encompas everything, when someone relatively small just happened.  Its annoying, and has on many occasions been the catalysts for couch sleeping... his not mine.  Bullshit.  He goes through moments like this all the time... its like a cycle.  I hate it.  "Do you still want to be married to me?" he'll ask in a meek ass voice after I've just said for him to leave me alone beacuse I'm mad, or sad, or just dont want to talk about it.  The more often he asks, the more my defenses to that question start to get stronger or angrier.  One day... I swear, he's just going to get a NO... only because I am sick of the question.  But he knows this.  He does.  Maybe thats just what he wants.

People handle things differently. Some people who are generally extroverted and happy really internalize bad things. Its not what their outward character is. Its undesireable. I want to bury it as deep as I possibly can. I never would have thought to seek out the temporary amnesia of ativan again... Since last time it was entirely unexpected and horrible annoying today. (I really wanna know what I fucking ate that day, or even how I got home) Last night, after the yelling was over, I remember a pleasant blur. Unforntunately today... I get to remember with stinging clarity.

I realize that dependence on artificial drugs to make the world fade away is an everyday and even historical occurance. This medication I take was originally made to sedate and induce amnesia... So as to help the mind cope with traumatic events. Its one of the more "special" anti anxieties on the market. Its even the medication that dentists give you when they talk of, "Sedation Dentistry".

I wish I had begun taking it 3 weeks ago... Or as soon as it was established that I'd lost our child. The rest would have been a wonderful blur... As opposed to the minute by minute which plays out in my head as I try to go through my day. And the humility of it all.

Carole Heath is pregnant. That little stick korean thing that was my friend in korea. Yeah... Accident. Chris Roller... You remember her. She got knocked up a while ago. Married the father. She's now divorcing and abandoning her son. M's friend Stephanie... Had an abortion.

People who are so fucking undeserving. People who are useless members of society and who cant be trusted with a potato gun. These are the people who have hit the fucking baby jackpot. These horrible members of society.

And not me!? You have to wonder if you're relgious... Which thankfully I'm not... Why the fuck this has any meaning.

Which just brings me back to my original complaint. I shouldn’t have to go through this. I shouldn’t. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to walk into that office building on Monday... A building built on hopes and dreams and yet full of statistical let downs. For every one woman that gets pregnant... 4 more wont. Were those other 4 any less deserving?

Walking into that building... Parking in the parking lot is an admission that I shouldn’t have to make. I should not have to tell the world that I am a horrible gestational vessel. I should not have to accept that I need scientific "help" with something that has kept the fucking species alive. I should not have to walk in to that building and admit that I am... That horrible word. That horrible horrible word which was invaded my dreams since childhood... For no other reason than to serve as a warning.

In

Fucking

Fertile.

So, in an attempt to move on and get on with life, I am going to be re-dying my hair that color that I usually dye it every year or so.  I love the way that my hair looks in the spring, with all of the light bouncing off of it... its just great!

I'm also helping out with my mother in law's congressional race.  I need a project, or, something to get my mind focused on.  At least, until we go see the witch doctor who tells us why I am such a horrible parent and gestational vessel.  After that is May... at the end of which is our two year anniversary.  I hate having to go back to one after being with M for 6 years... but whatever.

My brother's 40th birthday bash is gonna be sometime in June.  I dont want to go.  A) He hasnt been to a birthday celebration for me (not even 21st!) in about 10 years.  B) He bitched last year about how his birthday and my wedding anniversary are a day after eachother... and that mom and dad threw a combined bbq bash (which was rockin!).  C) He's a dick.  D) He didnt give me a birthday present last year, and in fact there are quite a few that he has missed in my 23 years.  Meanwhile, every year since I've been in the states I make sure I get him one. 

Yeah.  Fuck it.  I told mom as much too.  She said I was better than that and I said that I'm not the smartest cookie in the jar, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna do something nice for him when years have gone by and he's been nothing but a dick to me.  So yeah.  She didnt respond so I think she got the picture.  I'm serious though.  Yes, he's going through very tough marital shit.  But I did too.  And I didnt alienate him.  I even wrote him and talked about it and begged for advice and good words.  Naw.  I'm just sick of looking like a damn door mat.  I dont stick up for much (I really dont if you check out my track record) but when there is something that truly pisses me off... I will speak up.  Generally when I'm just pissed overall, but I will speak up.

Just wanted to give ya'lls a heads up.  Thanks for stoppin by. 

Somewhere after a miscarriage and before your first period... is limbo. 

This is where I am.

I'm not pregnant, but I still have those hormones in my body.  I'm not pregnant, but I still feel tired and pukey every now and again.  I'm not normal, but I have no CLUE when i'm gonna get my period again.  I'm not normal, and yet I'm still crying at regular things. 

I've grieved, and felt bad, and cried, and been generally depressed.  But I'm ready to move on.  And I cant.  This isnt a mental problem.  Its not the pervue of psychologists or a counselor.  I dont need a giant destressing vacation.  I need these damned hormones out of my body.  And I need them out NOW. 

Its been a week, and I already see my body shrinking back to what it was before (and then some).  My breasts are already their older size, and my body is no longer a sodium absorbing sponge.  However, when I sit and watch something even remotely sappy I start the water works.  Which then reminds me of why I'm crying, which then makes me sadder, which then makes me cry harder.  I've stopped myself twice just while writing this post. 

Yes, it was sad, and slightly(!) horrific.  However, I am entirely ready for me to go back to normal and start trying this whole thing over again.  But my body cant.  And so therefore I am stuck in this hell of a limbo.  Between being mentally ready, and physically ready.  And there is not a single person who I converse with on a normal basis who can relate to this.  No one.  I am entirely alone. 

Let me repeat this.  I am entirely alone. 

Yes, this is one of the consequences of wanting to start a family when the rest of my friends are still trying to be financially independent and stable.  I realize this.  But seriously... cant I get a break?  Cant my whole family get a break?  When will this shit storm of the past year and a half stop?  Why, oh why, cant something just be genuinely good for once?

Enough bitching.  Back to my mental and physical confusion... where I walk around all day wanting to be happy and joke and be carefree again, and yet know deep inside that my body isnt ready for that yet.

So, I wrote that last entry 2 weeks ago.  At the ultrasound we heard a little heartbeat.  I cried.  It was beautiful.  

A week later I started bleeding, so we went to the hospital.  This was Sunday.  Doctors gave me another ultrasound and we heard a stronger heartbeat... and everything was as it was supposed to be.  So I went home, and on Monday, went to work.

On Monday I kept bleeding... and then Monday night, I started hemorraging.  Everywhere.  We went back to the hospital.  All was not as it was supposed to be.  I had another ultrasound.  No more baby.

I miscarried.  Again.  This time, however, it was much more graffic, and much more horrific.  At least the first time, I had hardly noticed I was pregnant.  This was different.

I have an appointment for a genetic counselor, who will try to pinpoint why I cant hold a baby. 

Yes, I am pretty devastated... and the only thing I can hold onto is that Peanut was measuring small... and that is a sign of a chromosonal abnormality.  Which means it wasnt entirely my fault.  But thats all I have to hold onto. 

So, here I am, back at work.  Listening to the loudest and most angry music I can find so that I can drown out the voices of my co-workers, who mean well, but who would just serve to make me cry.  We've been told not to try again until we get results back from the genetics people.  Who knows how long that will take.  In the meantime... all I can do is worry and wonder if I will ever bring a baby to term. 

Peanut 1

Feb 2008 - March 2008