7 posts tagged “pregnancy”

So today when I ran by the doctor's office for the beta (more on that in a second) the receptionist pointed to an envelope in my chart and asked if I wanted it.  I'd noticed that envelope the day I went back to the doctor's office after the bloody mess that was my miscarriage.  I hadnt picked it up; I figured I'd get it eventually.  Then I forgot about it.  Two days ago we were driving by the office and I remembered about it.  Well, I figured, must not have been that important.  Whats inside the envelope, I know you're dying to know.

Sonogram pictures of Peanut 1

Akiaa, the receptionist, asked if I wanted them yet.  No, I said.  Just hold on to them for a bit longer. 

I havent cried about Peanut in a while.  I know that Peanut isnt gone.  In my mind, Peanut is an essence.  The body just wasnt right, so Peanut is gonna chill for a bit longer until the right body comes along.  Its the easiest way I can deal with it.  Its the only thing that I find hope in regarding that whole situation.  I didnt lose my baby.  Not entirely. 

Anyway... enough saddness.  They took my blood.  The doctor (and nurses) told me that I was waaay early to be going this route, but if I really really wanted to know... and all that fun stuff.  Well, ladies, I'm not testing + and I need to know so I dont waste this pretty expensive endometrin stuff.  So, I got s'more, as the nurse told me, and its already up there doing its thing.  I get to call in tomorrow after 2 and find out.  So thats what I'll do.  Here's to the next 21 hours of hell.  ;)    

Molly Clark-Barol, a Yale student and commenter on the YDH's website, sums up Shvarts's egocentrism better than I could: "Congratulations, Aliza Shvarts '08: you have single-handedly trivialized not only an entire generation and a half's fight to gain and retain the right to choose, through harassment and against massive odds, but also history of women's struggles, not only politically, but with the emotional, moral, and spiritual impacts of the choice to terminate a pregnancy. You also spit upon every couple who has tried, and failed, sometimes repeatedly, to have children. it is the emotional impact of these struggles, emotional impact that you shamelessly exploit, not explore, in your senior project."

See here

WTF.  Just seriously.  WTF. 

Oh man... Im so depressed.

Monday I have that doctor to go to, and I was fine up till yesterday when the office called and said that my insurance makes me register with the Aetna infertility hotline.

What a horrible horible thing to make women do. I called, though... And was told that my company partnership waived it... So no biggie. Just show up with the referal. But it got me so fucked up for the rest of the day. I feel like a failure. I feel like I shouldn’t have ever needed this. I feel like this is a giant insult to me. It is a huge insult. Its like I'm this defective horrible watch that cant keep time. What do you do with watches like those? You throw them out.

I'm terrified that they're gonna say they cant help me... Or worse... That they poke and prod, prod and poke... For MONTHS or even years, and after all that money and all that time and all that stress... We find out that I just suck. And theres no reason for it.

Ever since I was a little kid... I had this feeling that even if I wanted to have a baby, that I never could. I don’t know why... But I carried that through me every step of my life. I just instinctively knew. I just KNOW. So therein is a problem... Because if I just say no altogether of any future pregnancies... I'm kinda dooming myself to my own self-fulfilling prophesy. But if I keep going, and find out its still true, then I realize my worst nightmare.

I'm just so sad. And I left my anxiety medication at home... So I have another 6 or so hours until I get it back in my body.

M keeps pesstering me to explain my feelings to him, but I cant. Why the hell should i? Its not like he will EVER understand what I am going thruogh. And I don’t wont to give my fears the dignity of speaking about them. He says that I'm not working on our marriage... But I don’t fucking care right now. I care about myself. I need to deal with myself, not him. I keep telling him that I don’t want to talk about it... But then he keeps poking and prodding and oh my god I really am about to tell him to pack up his shit and leave.

Why cant he get that HE IS THE LAST PERSON IN THE WORLD I WANT TO TALK TO ABOUT MY FUCKING INABILITY TO CARRY A FUCKING CHILD?!

He seems to be getting the picture lately, and hopefully will just take my depression in stride  Its nothing about him.  Its nothing against him.  I love him dearly.  I love that I can snugle up into his wonderful arms when it just gets way too much.  And I love how if I try to push him away eh hugs me anyway because he knows that thats exactly what I need.

Yesterday he asked if I still wanted this marriage.  Why the hell wouldnt I?  The question made me mad.  He loves to create overarching statements that try to encompas everything, when someone relatively small just happened.  Its annoying, and has on many occasions been the catalysts for couch sleeping... his not mine.  Bullshit.  He goes through moments like this all the time... its like a cycle.  I hate it.  "Do you still want to be married to me?" he'll ask in a meek ass voice after I've just said for him to leave me alone beacuse I'm mad, or sad, or just dont want to talk about it.  The more often he asks, the more my defenses to that question start to get stronger or angrier.  One day... I swear, he's just going to get a NO... only because I am sick of the question.  But he knows this.  He does.  Maybe thats just what he wants.

People handle things differently. Some people who are generally extroverted and happy really internalize bad things. Its not what their outward character is. Its undesireable. I want to bury it as deep as I possibly can. I never would have thought to seek out the temporary amnesia of ativan again... Since last time it was entirely unexpected and horrible annoying today. (I really wanna know what I fucking ate that day, or even how I got home) Last night, after the yelling was over, I remember a pleasant blur. Unforntunately today... I get to remember with stinging clarity.

I realize that dependence on artificial drugs to make the world fade away is an everyday and even historical occurance. This medication I take was originally made to sedate and induce amnesia... So as to help the mind cope with traumatic events. Its one of the more "special" anti anxieties on the market. Its even the medication that dentists give you when they talk of, "Sedation Dentistry".

I wish I had begun taking it 3 weeks ago... Or as soon as it was established that I'd lost our child. The rest would have been a wonderful blur... As opposed to the minute by minute which plays out in my head as I try to go through my day. And the humility of it all.

Carole Heath is pregnant. That little stick korean thing that was my friend in korea. Yeah... Accident. Chris Roller... You remember her. She got knocked up a while ago. Married the father. She's now divorcing and abandoning her son. M's friend Stephanie... Had an abortion.

People who are so fucking undeserving. People who are useless members of society and who cant be trusted with a potato gun. These are the people who have hit the fucking baby jackpot. These horrible members of society.

And not me!? You have to wonder if you're relgious... Which thankfully I'm not... Why the fuck this has any meaning.

Which just brings me back to my original complaint. I shouldn’t have to go through this. I shouldn’t. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to walk into that office building on Monday... A building built on hopes and dreams and yet full of statistical let downs. For every one woman that gets pregnant... 4 more wont. Were those other 4 any less deserving?

Walking into that building... Parking in the parking lot is an admission that I shouldn’t have to make. I should not have to tell the world that I am a horrible gestational vessel. I should not have to accept that I need scientific "help" with something that has kept the fucking species alive. I should not have to walk in to that building and admit that I am... That horrible word. That horrible horrible word which was invaded my dreams since childhood... For no other reason than to serve as a warning.

In

Fucking

Fertile.

The past few days have been horrible.  Really really horrible. 

Tuesday my doctor called me at work and relayed her worries that my Hcg numbers were low for my week.  So I went in, gave more blood, and got a script for an ultra sound. 

Wednesday we got an appointment for an internal ultasound in Leesburg (!) and they found a pretty sac and the beginning of a fetal pole (I assume thats the heart thing).  All was pretty good.  No heartbeat, but it was pretty tiny.  Doc called and said my numbers were still bad, and asked me to go for another ultra sound in a week.  When I tried to ask questions, I was told nothing.  I was freaking out, terrified, all but assured that this was the end. 

Today I called the doctor back and tried to get more questions answered, but was given to a nurse who wouldnt answer anything.  It was at this point that I said forget it.  I found another doctor online who was nearby my home.  I called and relayed my sad sob story to the receptionist and she commiserated and got me an appointment and then let me talk to the doctor.  Let me repeat this.  SHE LET ME TALK TO A DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT MY DOCTOR WHO DIDNT EVEN HAVE MY MONEY YET!  WOW!  It was amazing. 

We got to the doctor's office and they have all of my information from the ultrasound to my blood test results.  A bit of time goes by and happy faces go in and come out.  They finally call me back and make jokes with Marc and have fun with me.  I get weighed (no gained weight!  WOOT! although, i feel bigger) and blood pressured.  Questions answered and then I get to go back to Marc and wait for the doctor.  She comes in and says immediately, "You and your baby are FINE!  These numbers are just fine!  And we have a little fetal pole there and everything is looking just FINE!"  I was so relieved.  She said that numbers are just numbers, and that I have they are still in the normal range... yes they normally double in 72 hours and whatnot... but not to worry too bad.  She kept saying to just let the baby do its thing.  And then she gave me a hug.  I needed that hug.

So, we're still not out of the woods.  I'm going back there for another ultrasound on Thursday morning.  But she said she was very optimistic about the whole thing. 

So there ya go folks... my week in a nutshell. 

So, my feet turned into fat ugly pig feet over the weekend.  It was horrible.  M and I ended up pickling my feet and I ingested copious amounts of water.  I was peeing every 15 minutes.  But this morning they are much better, and actually fit into my shoes.  Too much salt in too little amount of time.  Wont make that mistake again I assure you!  I've also got myself a bella band, which helps with my back, and keeps my pants up before they become waaay too small.  My boobs are already wreaking havoc on my back.  They were big to begin with, but we had a nice balance.  Now its just bad. 

I bought myself a pregnancy yoga dvd, so I'm gonna start on that once it comes in.  Definately.  I'm not eating too much, and my weight is pretty good so far.  All the weight i've gained is SOLELY in my breasts.  No fat ass, no bigger tummy (except when I get tummy aches and then it distends).  I realize I'm overweight, (obese in some definitions) but I dont feel it, and I dont really look that bad.  I must be hiding it, but i still have a waist, and curves... and I'm not a blob.  Anyway, I realize i'll be tipping the scale pretty badly during this whole thing, and I realize its necessary... but I think i'll do ok with it.

Anyway, I have too may dark clothes, and should really brighten up my wardrobe with happier looking colors.  It is spring after all! 

:P

So, first doctor's visit went swimingly well.  All is good in the land.  I was given a cup to pee in, and my weight and blood pressure was noted.  I guess nothing is out of the ordinary, or else I'm sure I woulda been told.  Then I was taken back told to drop trow, and proceeded to sit there with a paper blankey over my whoosawatsit with M for about 45 minutes.  Not so cool.  I was ready to leave at the hour mark, but the doctor came in.

My doctor is a teeny tiny little Korean lady, I think she's only 4 years older than me.  But she's not gonna be my only doctor.  The place works like a commune.  I get to see her for a few more times, and then they start passing me around the other 4 doctors.  One of them will deliver the baby. 

I was given 13 boxes of prenatal vitamin and DHA samples, as well as magazines, pamphlets, and a pregnancy journal.  God Bless Nova. 

So, I got my stuff looked at and about half a liter of blood drawn.  The sheer amount of blood they removed from my tiny little vein was amazing.  I was kinda surprised that no one gave me a cookie and some juice before I left so that I didnt pass out, but apparently, I'm making blood in DROVES these days.  Good thing.

I have my next appointment on the 25th of March, and then we get to hear a heart beat and see the dot on the screen.  Woot! 

In the meantime, I'll do my best to keep this little thing stuck onto my wall.  M and a lady at work (and dad) were all berating me be cause I'm still trying to pick up heavy crap.  I realize its a no no, but it didnt really set in that I could actually LOSE this thing.  So i've stopped.  If anything to not make M worry. 

So thats the news folks!  I'll definately be writing again by next Sunday, the start of week 7.

Oh, i almost forgot.  10/26/2008.  But I'm shooting for Halloween!!

So, I've been chowing down on Tums because M says it will make me feel better and remove the nausea.  I dunno if its true or not, but I understand the underlying sense of psychosematic remedy.  If I believe it will remove my nausea, it will.  So, I'm buying it.

I'm at 6 weeks now, and my belly is pretty distended.  Nope, not baby round, but gas round.  Its amazing how my body has turned into the hindenburg with the face of a 15 year old boy.  Remember Stridex pads?  I have two cups of them.  One for work, one for home.  I also have facial wash stuff here at work, so I can go and give it a good rinsing.  Meanwhile, while my belly distends and I look like a malnourished child in west Africa, the rest of me seems to be shrinking.  Well... except my boobs.  Which are now obscene.  I'm also experiencing something called "Round Ligament Pain" which is my uterus expanding... slowly.  It's akin to bad stomach aches.  They last anywhere from 5 to 15 seconds each.  Its not cool.

Tomorrow is the first doctor's appointment.  As well as the first round of tests and pokes and prods and looking up my name and address (if you get my drift).  I'll post on that, dont worry. 

Oh... ick.  I'm getting another wave of ickyness.  More tomorrow!