9 posts tagged “pregnant”

Von Teese Lipstick Red

That was what my friend, Chance, called some chick one day a long time ago when we were driving around trying to find some food in Maryland.  It can aptly describe me right now.  The tatas are no longer sitting in their bra correctly.  I have that muffin top thing going on.  Good thing its a low cut top, which brings attention to the actual cleavage and not so much the method by which they're stuffed in there.

I'm nauseated today, and feeling heartburn.  Yeah, question... how in the hell does one get heartburn from fuggin milk!?  It probably has something to do with me, like, not being able to digest it.  Although, I'm taking the lactaid pills with it, so it shouldnt be too big of a problem.  I just have to dig deep and remember that last time I was a gaseous mess.  And of course, if I'm not pregnant and this is all in my head, then be prepared for some posts from a "special hospital" for a few weeks.

In an effort to get my mind off of the timed hell that is the wait until 2pm, I will be discussing the car.

Sooo... Dita von Teese red, huh?  Yeah, that pretty much describes the color of the car.  Thats actually pretty apt.  Good job!  I'm feeling nervous about actually going down there and buying it.  Not that I'm gonna have buyers remorse or anything, its just that I'm prone to anxiety attacks anyway, and this big of a purchase is like, "Woahholyshitfuckwhatthefuckamithinkingimnotthatfuckingresponsibleyetimjustafugginkidright?"  Ya know, actually now that I got that out I feel a lil bit better. 

I talked to the dealer on Monday about getting the "Drive off the Lot" price down to $14k even from $14,500somethingandsomechange.  I like even numbers.  I'm pretty obsessive compulsive in regards to math and numbers... might be something I look into one day.  Anywhoo, yeah.  Thats a pretty good price for a Hyundai.  Of course, it does include the rebate already added in, and technically, the price of the actual car will be less than that.  That 14 includes tax, tags and title... although I wont be gettin the title, will I?  That goes to the loan folks.  Well, you know what I mean.  Tax and temp tags. 

(Lemme tell you what, gettin that picture of Dita from Google images was fuggin hard as hell to do on a censored computer!  Who does she think she is showing off her coochie like that?  Goddamnit)

Somewhere after a miscarriage and before your first period... is limbo. 

This is where I am.

I'm not pregnant, but I still have those hormones in my body.  I'm not pregnant, but I still feel tired and pukey every now and again.  I'm not normal, but I have no CLUE when i'm gonna get my period again.  I'm not normal, and yet I'm still crying at regular things. 

I've grieved, and felt bad, and cried, and been generally depressed.  But I'm ready to move on.  And I cant.  This isnt a mental problem.  Its not the pervue of psychologists or a counselor.  I dont need a giant destressing vacation.  I need these damned hormones out of my body.  And I need them out NOW. 

Its been a week, and I already see my body shrinking back to what it was before (and then some).  My breasts are already their older size, and my body is no longer a sodium absorbing sponge.  However, when I sit and watch something even remotely sappy I start the water works.  Which then reminds me of why I'm crying, which then makes me sadder, which then makes me cry harder.  I've stopped myself twice just while writing this post. 

Yes, it was sad, and slightly(!) horrific.  However, I am entirely ready for me to go back to normal and start trying this whole thing over again.  But my body cant.  And so therefore I am stuck in this hell of a limbo.  Between being mentally ready, and physically ready.  And there is not a single person who I converse with on a normal basis who can relate to this.  No one.  I am entirely alone. 

Let me repeat this.  I am entirely alone. 

Yes, this is one of the consequences of wanting to start a family when the rest of my friends are still trying to be financially independent and stable.  I realize this.  But seriously... cant I get a break?  Cant my whole family get a break?  When will this shit storm of the past year and a half stop?  Why, oh why, cant something just be genuinely good for once?

Enough bitching.  Back to my mental and physical confusion... where I walk around all day wanting to be happy and joke and be carefree again, and yet know deep inside that my body isnt ready for that yet.

So, I wrote that last entry 2 weeks ago.  At the ultrasound we heard a little heartbeat.  I cried.  It was beautiful.  

A week later I started bleeding, so we went to the hospital.  This was Sunday.  Doctors gave me another ultrasound and we heard a stronger heartbeat... and everything was as it was supposed to be.  So I went home, and on Monday, went to work.

On Monday I kept bleeding... and then Monday night, I started hemorraging.  Everywhere.  We went back to the hospital.  All was not as it was supposed to be.  I had another ultrasound.  No more baby.

I miscarried.  Again.  This time, however, it was much more graffic, and much more horrific.  At least the first time, I had hardly noticed I was pregnant.  This was different.

I have an appointment for a genetic counselor, who will try to pinpoint why I cant hold a baby. 

Yes, I am pretty devastated... and the only thing I can hold onto is that Peanut was measuring small... and that is a sign of a chromosonal abnormality.  Which means it wasnt entirely my fault.  But thats all I have to hold onto. 

So, here I am, back at work.  Listening to the loudest and most angry music I can find so that I can drown out the voices of my co-workers, who mean well, but who would just serve to make me cry.  We've been told not to try again until we get results back from the genetics people.  Who knows how long that will take.  In the meantime... all I can do is worry and wonder if I will ever bring a baby to term. 

Peanut 1

Feb 2008 - March 2008 

So tomorrow is the second ultra sound.  I'm scared.  One one hand, I want to make sure that everything is on the up and up with baby... and on the second.  I'm so scared that something will not go right, and my worst fears will be recognized. 

Oh one hand, I feel like I just know that this baby is strong and healthy.  And on the other, my mind wont let me accept that.  I dont know exactly why I have that duality right now... but its driving me insane. 

Of course, I am more than willing to concede that this fear and worryness is in fact brought on by that which I am afraid is over. 

I'm terrified guys. 

The past few days have been horrible.  Really really horrible. 

Tuesday my doctor called me at work and relayed her worries that my Hcg numbers were low for my week.  So I went in, gave more blood, and got a script for an ultra sound. 

Wednesday we got an appointment for an internal ultasound in Leesburg (!) and they found a pretty sac and the beginning of a fetal pole (I assume thats the heart thing).  All was pretty good.  No heartbeat, but it was pretty tiny.  Doc called and said my numbers were still bad, and asked me to go for another ultra sound in a week.  When I tried to ask questions, I was told nothing.  I was freaking out, terrified, all but assured that this was the end. 

Today I called the doctor back and tried to get more questions answered, but was given to a nurse who wouldnt answer anything.  It was at this point that I said forget it.  I found another doctor online who was nearby my home.  I called and relayed my sad sob story to the receptionist and she commiserated and got me an appointment and then let me talk to the doctor.  Let me repeat this.  SHE LET ME TALK TO A DOCTOR WHO WAS NOT MY DOCTOR WHO DIDNT EVEN HAVE MY MONEY YET!  WOW!  It was amazing. 

We got to the doctor's office and they have all of my information from the ultrasound to my blood test results.  A bit of time goes by and happy faces go in and come out.  They finally call me back and make jokes with Marc and have fun with me.  I get weighed (no gained weight!  WOOT! although, i feel bigger) and blood pressured.  Questions answered and then I get to go back to Marc and wait for the doctor.  She comes in and says immediately, "You and your baby are FINE!  These numbers are just fine!  And we have a little fetal pole there and everything is looking just FINE!"  I was so relieved.  She said that numbers are just numbers, and that I have they are still in the normal range... yes they normally double in 72 hours and whatnot... but not to worry too bad.  She kept saying to just let the baby do its thing.  And then she gave me a hug.  I needed that hug.

So, we're still not out of the woods.  I'm going back there for another ultrasound on Thursday morning.  But she said she was very optimistic about the whole thing. 

So there ya go folks... my week in a nutshell. 

So, my feet turned into fat ugly pig feet over the weekend.  It was horrible.  M and I ended up pickling my feet and I ingested copious amounts of water.  I was peeing every 15 minutes.  But this morning they are much better, and actually fit into my shoes.  Too much salt in too little amount of time.  Wont make that mistake again I assure you!  I've also got myself a bella band, which helps with my back, and keeps my pants up before they become waaay too small.  My boobs are already wreaking havoc on my back.  They were big to begin with, but we had a nice balance.  Now its just bad. 

I bought myself a pregnancy yoga dvd, so I'm gonna start on that once it comes in.  Definately.  I'm not eating too much, and my weight is pretty good so far.  All the weight i've gained is SOLELY in my breasts.  No fat ass, no bigger tummy (except when I get tummy aches and then it distends).  I realize I'm overweight, (obese in some definitions) but I dont feel it, and I dont really look that bad.  I must be hiding it, but i still have a waist, and curves... and I'm not a blob.  Anyway, I realize i'll be tipping the scale pretty badly during this whole thing, and I realize its necessary... but I think i'll do ok with it.

Anyway, I have too may dark clothes, and should really brighten up my wardrobe with happier looking colors.  It is spring after all! 

:P

So, first doctor's visit went swimingly well.  All is good in the land.  I was given a cup to pee in, and my weight and blood pressure was noted.  I guess nothing is out of the ordinary, or else I'm sure I woulda been told.  Then I was taken back told to drop trow, and proceeded to sit there with a paper blankey over my whoosawatsit with M for about 45 minutes.  Not so cool.  I was ready to leave at the hour mark, but the doctor came in.

My doctor is a teeny tiny little Korean lady, I think she's only 4 years older than me.  But she's not gonna be my only doctor.  The place works like a commune.  I get to see her for a few more times, and then they start passing me around the other 4 doctors.  One of them will deliver the baby. 

I was given 13 boxes of prenatal vitamin and DHA samples, as well as magazines, pamphlets, and a pregnancy journal.  God Bless Nova. 

So, I got my stuff looked at and about half a liter of blood drawn.  The sheer amount of blood they removed from my tiny little vein was amazing.  I was kinda surprised that no one gave me a cookie and some juice before I left so that I didnt pass out, but apparently, I'm making blood in DROVES these days.  Good thing.

I have my next appointment on the 25th of March, and then we get to hear a heart beat and see the dot on the screen.  Woot! 

In the meantime, I'll do my best to keep this little thing stuck onto my wall.  M and a lady at work (and dad) were all berating me be cause I'm still trying to pick up heavy crap.  I realize its a no no, but it didnt really set in that I could actually LOSE this thing.  So i've stopped.  If anything to not make M worry. 

So thats the news folks!  I'll definately be writing again by next Sunday, the start of week 7.

Oh, i almost forgot.  10/26/2008.  But I'm shooting for Halloween!!

So, I've been chowing down on Tums because M says it will make me feel better and remove the nausea.  I dunno if its true or not, but I understand the underlying sense of psychosematic remedy.  If I believe it will remove my nausea, it will.  So, I'm buying it.

I'm at 6 weeks now, and my belly is pretty distended.  Nope, not baby round, but gas round.  Its amazing how my body has turned into the hindenburg with the face of a 15 year old boy.  Remember Stridex pads?  I have two cups of them.  One for work, one for home.  I also have facial wash stuff here at work, so I can go and give it a good rinsing.  Meanwhile, while my belly distends and I look like a malnourished child in west Africa, the rest of me seems to be shrinking.  Well... except my boobs.  Which are now obscene.  I'm also experiencing something called "Round Ligament Pain" which is my uterus expanding... slowly.  It's akin to bad stomach aches.  They last anywhere from 5 to 15 seconds each.  Its not cool.

Tomorrow is the first doctor's appointment.  As well as the first round of tests and pokes and prods and looking up my name and address (if you get my drift).  I'll post on that, dont worry. 

Oh... ick.  I'm getting another wave of ickyness.  More tomorrow!

So there it is guys!  I'm gonna be someone's mother.  M is gonna be someone's father.  I know I shouldnt say anything for a while in case I lose the little thing, but I dont really care.  I'm happy, I'm excited, I just want everyone to know and everyone to share in such a KICK ASS thing!  Today I'm gonna call the doc and let them in on the news... and I'm also gonna tell my "boss" (read: dude who signs my time sheets and personal development reviews). 

Things are gonna change, obviously, but its going to be such a wonderful, exciting, interesting, frightening trip.  Can you imagine me?  A mother?  Taking care of another human being?  I just cant stop smiling.  YAY!