12 posts tagged “ttc”

About half an hour after my last post, I made my way to the bedroom to lie down.  Immediately, I began to feel a throbbing pressure coming from my right hip/pelvic area.  It was only getting worse, so I woke M up and told him what I was feeling.  The cramps were severe and I decided to go take a bath to see if the hot water helped any.  It did, and my cramps subsided, but that pressure was still building in my right side.  I got out of the tub and tried to go back to sleep, but the pain was overwhelming.  At 4am I finally gave in and let M take me to the hospital. 

Once there, the fine folks at Reston Hospital Center poked, prodded, tested, scanned, and gave me a generous helping of Demerol since, at this point, I was ready to claw at my hip and tear open my skin to alleviate the pain.  The sonogram results came back with a 7 inch cyst on my right ovary.  Ow.

The doctor admitted me for observation and possible surgery.  My GYN arrived in the morning to asses the damage and decided that I should stay for a day, if anything to give me more pain meds.  At 9:30pm she called my room to say that she was ready to order surgery to either a) pop the stupid thing or b) remove the cyst and part of my damn ovary along with it.  My surgery was supposed to be at 11am this morning, but she ordered another sonogram to see if anything had happened with it over the night.  Turns out, the thing has shrunk to 5 inches.  She took this as a good sign and cancelled the surgery.  I'm now home with some Demerol pills and orders to bedrest for the week.  If it starts being ridiciulously painful again, I have a free pass to come on back and get it taken out.  Otherwise, it should continue to shrink and do its thing.

This, as it turns out, is the reason why I haven't bled.  Funnnn.  As soon as its gone, my progesterone should be back at its normal level, and I should be cleared to bleed. 

M was an absolute sweetheart, and took my photos down to Richmond to turn in for the state fair.  We were supposed to go yesterday, but my hospital visit made that impossible.  With impending surgery, the only thing I was worried about was my photos.  M did an incredible thing for me today, and I know how much he wanted to be with me... but in the end, it was a good call, since I didnt get sliced open.  He's still worried about me, but I'm pretty sure that the worst is over.

As for my stupid reproductive organs which so far this year have let me down like nothing else in the world?  This whole experience has served to remind me just how strong my resolve is... and I'll be damned if I'm going to be left without a child.  I could have lost an ovary today.  I could have lost 50% of my chances to ever have a child.  Next month?  Thank god our bedroom wall doesnt connect to another apartment.  :) 

It just dawned upon me... as I sit here in the dark because I canna sleep... that its been 1 year since M and I started trying to have a baby.  1 fucking year.  And what do we have to show for it?  A picture of a bubble and my acne scarred face. 

Somehow, I always knew that this would be an uphill battle for me.  I always knew, inherently, that I wouldnt be able to have children.  Well... 1 year and here we are.  And its not for lack of trying.  Oh no.  Its not even for lack of success.  I know stories of folks who have spent fortunes trying to make it work.  Years and years, and they have nothing but debt and sorrow to show for it as well.  There are the good stories and there are the bad stories. 

I said, when this all started, that I would never be one of those people to pour so much money into something thats not a guarentee.  Its fine for some, but I cant do that.  This past month I tried to put on an air that I didnt care.  That I'd given up and stopped.  I convinced myself that it didnt matter to me.  But here I am... in limbo because I'm 8 days late and every single test has concluded that I am simply broken.  Ironic how that worked out, huh?

I see myself getting bitter.  I see stories of stupid girls getting knocked up who dont deserve the absolute joy of holding their own baby.  I see people bringing home baskets of happiness and pictures of bellies.  All around me it seems as though the entirety of the world is laughing at their good fortune, and I'm here crying at my bad. 

Sure, tell me that I got pregnant once already.  Tell me that it can happen again.  Why cant I just tell someone, "I would like to care for a baby please... and raise a child" and I get one.  Adoption costs so much.  It takes years and even then... if you're not the perfect paradigm of glory, you will be rejected.  I'm not saying all hope is lost.  I'm saying that for me, the outlook is tremendously bleek.  I realize I'm 24 and still have 12 more years of good baby making stock left in me before I'm totally up shit's creek.  But the odds are bad that I'm at my age and cant get knocked up.  And I'm emotionally battered.  And I dont feel like I have the strength to carry on. 

Any idiot girl can get pregnant at the drop of a hat.  Were that I was 16 again... and stupid.  That seems to be the trick.  That seems to be the magic formula.  If I'm stupid and dont want the thing, then I get pregnant!  Its easy!

I'm sorry that I'm ranting and incoherent.  Its 2am.  I cant bleed to save my life and theres nothing out there in the online medical world except, "It happens" to cheer me up.  Women deserve better than, "It happens".  I want a fucking full on explanation.  But none of us will be given one.

Hopefully tonight's shitfit crying fest is an indication that a good bloody mess is on the way.  I doubt it, though. 

This really is going to be some fun shit.  Today was a whirlwind regular first day orientation at any normal giant government and defense contrator.  Got my picture taken (which was actually my first good ID picture ever) and then sat through 7 hours of paperwork and benefits breifings.  At the end of it we were all released except the folks in a select few divisions, like mine.  A nice lady came up, gave me my id, and then handed me a leather folder as a gift from the division to us.  Iiiinteresting.  Its a pretty nice folder. 

I'm really excited for tomorrow.  Tomorrow is where I find out where I'll be sitting, who I'll be working with, what I'll be doing, and, the best part ever, my cube.  Yes.  I realize I am a giant dork, the levels of which do not even begin to compute.  But there is a special little moment when you get a brand new clean slate with which to go fucking nuts on and decorate.  What sucks is that I wont be there permanently.  So my decorating will have to be scaled down until I get back to Bethesda. 

Tomorrow folks... tomorrow is where it really all begins. 

I'll also be testing tomorrow... so lets see if we get some interesting news.

... of things I will not be doing this upcoming Hell Week.

1. I will not buy more than the allotted 1 pack of pee sticks
2. I will not test more than 3 times (because I got a 3 pack)
3. I will not test 2 times in one day
4. I will not test 1 day after the other
5. I will not test before 12dpo
6. I will not beg to have a beta
7. I will not second guess every time I go pee
8. I will not count how many times I pee
9. I will not look up, for the 60th time, pregnancy symptoms... I already know them
10. I will quit looking for spoting when I pee
11. I will ignore any hunger, fatigue, nausea, moodiness, sore boobs, or cramps
12. I will not worry myself to death because I had a coke
13. I will not abstain from the soothing comfort of an ibuprofen (because I'm still in pain)
14. I will not spend any more time blogging about this besides this post, and, if pregnant, the "OMG WE HAVE A + PEOPLE" post. 
15. I will chill the fuck out.

Lets see if I can keep to this, shall we? 

Ladies and Gentlemen... we have a + OPK. 

Now lets get this party started!

(How many euphemisms can I throw in here?)

Now if only my hip and M's nausea would cooperate.  Then we could really look forward to this.  Mayhaps I should leave work early?  I think thats a good idea.  I've put in 7 hours... thats good enuff, right? 

As I write this, M is sitting out in the car trying to hold onto his cookies.  He was victim to some of the ills of a Wendy's burger at 2am.  Eat Right, Even Late my large dimpled ass.

More injury.  What a horrible human being.

Insult, meet injury. 

The Sickness

Disturbed

How?

Negative.

I'm 3 fucking days late, nothing in sight, I feel like I want to hurl all the time, I'm tired 24/7.  My breasts are HUGE. 

Goddamnit.

There are moments in your life that was basically make or break ones.  Right now I am the most angry I have been in a very long time.  I mistrust so much right now... first, and of course foremost, my own body.

How in the hell have I convinced myself of this so much that I respond as I have?  What else have I falsely convinced myself of?  So much doubt.

One thing ya'lls should know.  I'm pretty intense.  My emotions range from full on happy to full of rage at the drop of a hat.  Right now I am so very much on one side that I cannot think straight. 

Where in the fuck is my period?  Where the fuck is it?  Lets get this stupid shit over with.

Von Teese Lipstick Red

That was what my friend, Chance, called some chick one day a long time ago when we were driving around trying to find some food in Maryland.  It can aptly describe me right now.  The tatas are no longer sitting in their bra correctly.  I have that muffin top thing going on.  Good thing its a low cut top, which brings attention to the actual cleavage and not so much the method by which they're stuffed in there.

I'm nauseated today, and feeling heartburn.  Yeah, question... how in the hell does one get heartburn from fuggin milk!?  It probably has something to do with me, like, not being able to digest it.  Although, I'm taking the lactaid pills with it, so it shouldnt be too big of a problem.  I just have to dig deep and remember that last time I was a gaseous mess.  And of course, if I'm not pregnant and this is all in my head, then be prepared for some posts from a "special hospital" for a few weeks.

In an effort to get my mind off of the timed hell that is the wait until 2pm, I will be discussing the car.

Sooo... Dita von Teese red, huh?  Yeah, that pretty much describes the color of the car.  Thats actually pretty apt.  Good job!  I'm feeling nervous about actually going down there and buying it.  Not that I'm gonna have buyers remorse or anything, its just that I'm prone to anxiety attacks anyway, and this big of a purchase is like, "Woahholyshitfuckwhatthefuckamithinkingimnotthatfuckingresponsibleyetimjustafugginkidright?"  Ya know, actually now that I got that out I feel a lil bit better. 

I talked to the dealer on Monday about getting the "Drive off the Lot" price down to $14k even from $14,500somethingandsomechange.  I like even numbers.  I'm pretty obsessive compulsive in regards to math and numbers... might be something I look into one day.  Anywhoo, yeah.  Thats a pretty good price for a Hyundai.  Of course, it does include the rebate already added in, and technically, the price of the actual car will be less than that.  That 14 includes tax, tags and title... although I wont be gettin the title, will I?  That goes to the loan folks.  Well, you know what I mean.  Tax and temp tags. 

(Lemme tell you what, gettin that picture of Dita from Google images was fuggin hard as hell to do on a censored computer!  Who does she think she is showing off her coochie like that?  Goddamnit)

So today when I ran by the doctor's office for the beta (more on that in a second) the receptionist pointed to an envelope in my chart and asked if I wanted it.  I'd noticed that envelope the day I went back to the doctor's office after the bloody mess that was my miscarriage.  I hadnt picked it up; I figured I'd get it eventually.  Then I forgot about it.  Two days ago we were driving by the office and I remembered about it.  Well, I figured, must not have been that important.  Whats inside the envelope, I know you're dying to know.

Sonogram pictures of Peanut 1

Akiaa, the receptionist, asked if I wanted them yet.  No, I said.  Just hold on to them for a bit longer. 

I havent cried about Peanut in a while.  I know that Peanut isnt gone.  In my mind, Peanut is an essence.  The body just wasnt right, so Peanut is gonna chill for a bit longer until the right body comes along.  Its the easiest way I can deal with it.  Its the only thing that I find hope in regarding that whole situation.  I didnt lose my baby.  Not entirely. 

Anyway... enough saddness.  They took my blood.  The doctor (and nurses) told me that I was waaay early to be going this route, but if I really really wanted to know... and all that fun stuff.  Well, ladies, I'm not testing + and I need to know so I dont waste this pretty expensive endometrin stuff.  So, I got s'more, as the nurse told me, and its already up there doing its thing.  I get to call in tomorrow after 2 and find out.  So thats what I'll do.  Here's to the next 21 hours of hell.  ;)